Empty Person, Empty Pen, Empty Paper.

Hey everyone. I realize I haven't posted in a while and there are a couple of reasons why. The main reason is that my creative encouragement or where I get my stuff comes from how I feel during the given time. I really write well when I am most stressed, most distraught, and most angry. Recently however, especially since graduation, I feel like I have ceased to feel at all. There instead, is a dull feeling in the cavity of my chest, I have no pain, I have no anger, I'm not distraught, and I'm not angry. So, lately I have had some trouble with so-called inspiration.

Because of this, today I went through some of my old stuff, stuff from February-March whenever everything in school was just pure crap. The teachers were crap, the problems in between classmates and the school was crap, and even some relationships between classmates was crap. It seemed to be the bottomless trench of the downward slope of our senior year. When all the crap hit the fan. I picked something out that had a little bit of everything in it, and it AMAZES me how much my perspective and my attitude has changed since then. I'm so much more happy now, even in my state of numbness. So without further to do...



You smile and the world smiles with you...such a load of crap. It takes work to smile, to be happy. The world would be much happier in such an instance as when I finally give up and cry. You cry and the world not only smiles, but laughs in your face. The world achieves pleasure in the destruction of anything in it. When something destructs, the natural occurrence is to be rebuilt. It hurts to destruct, and it hurts even more to be rebuilt. I try to confide in them, let them see my side. But they don't, don't understand, don't try. One of them tells me that it 'll all be okay. I don't think she understand. I could care less about the future and if it works out. I care about now, how I feel now. I hurt now. I don't care if it eventually works out, I just want to stop hurting. I want to feel that when I express my feelings, when they leave my mind, I will somehow feel better. Feel relieved. But that's impossible. Actually I believe I've gotten to the point where I believe everything is impossible. From feeling happy to getting out of bed, everything is difficult, nothing is easy.

I've got a "chip on my shoulder". Of course I do! Wouldn't you? How would you feel if no one understood you but everyone expected you to be okay and understand yourself. You try to talk to them and show them your side, but they don't understand and you come across as defensive, heaven forbid for any reason. I don't understand why they get angry for my lack of knowledge of myself. The possibilities are vast; am I supposed to know? The possibilities of impossibilities are even more vast. It's so scary and I'm sick and tired of being scared. Everything scares me: life, love, even friendship is scary.

I've never had this depend on so much. Are we strong enough for this? For anything? How do we know how strong we are until we're tested, and then what of it when we break into pieces? I almost feel that testing is pointless, an attempt to prove the weakness of all beings. I don't want to test this just to realize we're not strong enough, but I don't want to go on wondering if we could have made it. We think we're strong because of what we have been through so far, but what have we been through? We built off a particular incident, but can a relationship built from struggle and utter desperation continue to grow without that same struggle, or without more desperation? I'm tired of struggling and I'm tired of trying to figure out why. What is that I have done? What do I do to make everyone turn away? Why won't they look at me the same, once they really get to know me? Why can't we be comfortable enough with ourselves? Why must we always compare? There's always someone better, quicker, bigger, prettier, whatever. There's just always something, someone. Why are we never satisfied? Why must we always pretend to be okay, when we want to reach out. Why do we then hesitate when we reach to see if we will be caught...or fall. Reach for me when I reach for you. Please do not let me fall. I promise I will return the favor. Because everyone needs someone, a shoulder on which to cry.

Goodnight everyone.