Grounded on the Holiday

The quiet hum soothed me
Lulled me in and out.
The inconsistent vibrations irritated my slumber.
I'm finally awoken by the moisture
Collecting in the corners of my mouth.
Quickly I move up
Away from the protection and safety.
Embarrassed...
You stirred, whispered meaningless comforts.

You fell, but I stayed.
Too proud to need your safety.
Eventually my absence on your chest awakens you.
But I stay where I am.

It's not you I promise.

It's just that...

It hurt...

Can I ever trust again?

Inconsistencies are what I can't handle.
It was him, but it was me.
I was condescending
I pushed
I prodded where I didn't belong.
We became isolated...was it my fault?
We moved too fast...was it only one-sided?
I was manipulative
But most of all, he didn't love me.

You touch me and it's all I can think of.
You're falling for me, am I what you want?
Thrown into this thing,
Chaotic emotions.
I don't know what's what.
But you...
Hi...

Wait...

I don't know who I am, what I want.
Neither did your last... look what she did.
...to you.

I could never...

Would never...

Would I?

Then your hand finds my knee
Settles the nervous tapping of my foot.
Calming...

I want to lead!
I want to follow!
I want to walk hand-in-hand!
I WANT AGAIN!...
So many things I want when it comes to you.
It all feels so right...

But if felt right before...no.
Not like this...
This is different.

He hurt me...don't hurt me again.
Please.

Every fiber of my being
Yells to me...HOLD ON!
DON'T LET GO!
It's unstable, it's insecure.

Shh...
Trust him.
This is right.

I'm so scared.
But now I'm falling...
Will you catch me?