Ellipses

I can still remember it
Sitting on the edge of my bed
Harley’s head in my lap
Of course that was when she was still in my room
I was playing Nintendo
One of my geeky pastimes
I had remembered you at dinner
“What if cheating was an isolated incident”
I shuddered just at the thought
“If you truly love the person
It wouldn’t happen in the first place”
Always the romantic aren’t you
Look where it got you

I begin to pace in my room
I don’t know what to do
With the pent up nervousness
As always, it’s gathered in my stomach
I’m probably going to throw up
I remember feeling awkward
At dinner,
That’s not something that should be talked about
Not in front of me
Behind closed doors
Is there talking there?
Or just the uncomfortable silence only known by strangers
“You know we’d never do that”
Liars.

I had come upstairs
To my coffin
The nursery I believe
Why do you treat me like the baby
“You’ll always be my baby”
I know.
The S hangs from the wind chimes
Evidence of previous habitation
The wind is cold
But I don’t know where it’s coming from
It’s May.
I hear the voices raising
Not a step in the right direction I walk
And resume my position on the floor
You’re the only thing that provides comfort for me
But mom says you have to stay outside now
I think she’s slowing weaving you out of my life
Like everything else

I can’t take it anymore
So I walk to the stairs and sit at the top
I could hear everything now
And wished to God I had stayed in my room
Height is never good when your world starts to fall
Dizzying in structure
There’s no where to go but down from here
“So what should we do?”
“I guess I’ll move out”
What are they doing?
Don’t they realize?
They said they would never…
I’ve heard enough now
I run back to my coffin
I guess I’m better off dead anyway
And don’t think it didn’t cross my mind
But it’s hard to find death when your already trapped in a coffin

I hear you come upstairs not long after
I hear your sobbing as you rise up the steps
The creak I’m so used to hearing
Two steps down from the top
It never came
And I realize I’m plugging my ears
And this knot won’t go away
I gather up the nerve and leave my haven
So close to heaven
But you know it’s not enough
It’s funny to me
I see your tear-stained face
Swollen eyes, dry lips
And your throat
Seems taunt
But you know what you’re doing?
You’re fixing your hair
Like you always do
Like you have somewhere to go
Like you have someone to impress
Impress me, the impressionable
"The only reason I didn't do it already was because of you"
Really?
“I’ll be ok as long as you’re happy Mama”
Liar.

I don’t know why I lied
But it’s the beginning of a series
I even lied to you too
Never told you how I felt
How betrayed I was
When you gave into the weaker side
And stopped fighting for something not only you relied on
For so long I believed you
I took everything you said as Truth
How much of a fool was I?
To believe you
My own flesh and blood
But who can trust a sinner who says he doesn’t sin
That’s where You come in
Where are You in all this?
I don’t understand that at all
Where were You?
The 19 years she was on her knees
Pouring tears at your feet
For him?
For us because of him?
WHERE WERE YOU?
And you wonder why I stopped believing
After all, isn’t belief just a lie anyway?
Have faith…
Faith in what?
The future you no longer have?
The awkwardness that is now my home?
The lies I was fed as I grew?
The lies I’m being told now?
Don’t tell me that it will be ok
Don’t expect me to believe that either
Don’t waste your breath on something
You’ve already decided to be a waste of time and effort
Otherwise you wouldn’t have given up
And don’t tell me you still love me
If you loved me you wouldn’t have abandoned me
Or us
And if You loved me, You wouldn’t have abandoned me
Or her
Why her?
At least You could have given me that
That is all I want
For her to be ok
For everyone to be ok

It’s still missing You know?
That pivotal piece
And I don’t even know what it is
Something that made us whole once
And now it’s not there anymore
Is that why You sent him?
Your child?
Disguised under Irish and Indian heritage
A writer, a poet
Brilliance embodied
Complete and utter distraction
Tell me is that what he’s for?
Is that why You sent him to me?
Were You finally listening?
Were You finally telling me it was ok?
And that completeness could be found?
And that it could be found outside my home?
Were You telling me that I could find a new home?
Be my foundation
You’ve already given me the walls to surround me
They’re strong, thick and brutally protective
And I’ve never seen a sweeter present
To think that You gave it to me
To think that You were thinking of me
Is this where it ends for me?
My new haven
And yet, that’s so close to heaven…