Letters

February 19, 2005

Hello. It's me again. I know I'm not bothering you, since you never actually hear me speak. And yet it does bother you, because I won't let you in, I won't "cheer up". You are in your dream now, you were nervous before, as I bet you are still nervous. It's odd to me how relieving this can be to write out my frustrations, and yet it's frustrating to not be able to tell you. I hate this, I really do. I believe it would scare you, if I were to give you even one of these letters. Beware, they are overly emotional, to try and balance myself out. Too much negative is unhealthy. We spoke earlier and you asked if I was angry at something. I am, and I tried to explain, but I don't think I gave you a proper answer. I don't feel needed much by anyone besides you, and now not so much you. My presence is never requested by anyone besides you, which makes me feel unwanted, just slightly. If you think back, you will realize that you are the plug into the social pipeline of my life. I was never brave enough to step out there on my own. There was also never anyone else who attempted to be my plug. Last night I was angry at both myself and others; myself for not being brave enough to ask for myself and others both for not telling and the possibility of not wanting to tell me. Lately I have had feelings of being out of place unless your presence was there to guide me, like the other half of a puzzle. Now you are off with your dream and I have no where to go. No puzzle fits me; my piece fits in no puzzle. What do I do? What is my purpose? It's amazing how with one accurately placed blow, your dream knocked out my whole foundation. Do you realize how hard it is to stand without any foundation? You're off with you dream, the other off with hers, and others off with their parents. I can't even be with them, it's just too awkward. I have never wanted to cry so badly, and yet could summon no tears. I fear how I feel inside. I fear how I feel about you. I fear how I feel about your dream. I fear my lack of communication with the outside world. I fear the emptiness that has found it's place to settle is in my chest. Where I should feel my heart beating there is only vacant space and silence. I want to scream out. Scream out for the hope that is dead within me. Scream out for the future looming ahead in which nothing is secure. Scream out for the fear which seems to envelope every fiber of my being. Help me...All I want is an answer. All I want is a way out of this. I need you. Where are you? Until you return, adieu.