Empty Person, Empty Pen, Empty Paper.

Hey everyone. I realize I haven't posted in a while and there are a couple of reasons why. The main reason is that my creative encouragement or where I get my stuff comes from how I feel during the given time. I really write well when I am most stressed, most distraught, and most angry. Recently however, especially since graduation, I feel like I have ceased to feel at all. There instead, is a dull feeling in the cavity of my chest, I have no pain, I have no anger, I'm not distraught, and I'm not angry. So, lately I have had some trouble with so-called inspiration.

Because of this, today I went through some of my old stuff, stuff from February-March whenever everything in school was just pure crap. The teachers were crap, the problems in between classmates and the school was crap, and even some relationships between classmates was crap. It seemed to be the bottomless trench of the downward slope of our senior year. When all the crap hit the fan. I picked something out that had a little bit of everything in it, and it AMAZES me how much my perspective and my attitude has changed since then. I'm so much more happy now, even in my state of numbness. So without further to do...



You smile and the world smiles with you...such a load of crap. It takes work to smile, to be happy. The world would be much happier in such an instance as when I finally give up and cry. You cry and the world not only smiles, but laughs in your face. The world achieves pleasure in the destruction of anything in it. When something destructs, the natural occurrence is to be rebuilt. It hurts to destruct, and it hurts even more to be rebuilt. I try to confide in them, let them see my side. But they don't, don't understand, don't try. One of them tells me that it 'll all be okay. I don't think she understand. I could care less about the future and if it works out. I care about now, how I feel now. I hurt now. I don't care if it eventually works out, I just want to stop hurting. I want to feel that when I express my feelings, when they leave my mind, I will somehow feel better. Feel relieved. But that's impossible. Actually I believe I've gotten to the point where I believe everything is impossible. From feeling happy to getting out of bed, everything is difficult, nothing is easy.

I've got a "chip on my shoulder". Of course I do! Wouldn't you? How would you feel if no one understood you but everyone expected you to be okay and understand yourself. You try to talk to them and show them your side, but they don't understand and you come across as defensive, heaven forbid for any reason. I don't understand why they get angry for my lack of knowledge of myself. The possibilities are vast; am I supposed to know? The possibilities of impossibilities are even more vast. It's so scary and I'm sick and tired of being scared. Everything scares me: life, love, even friendship is scary.

I've never had this depend on so much. Are we strong enough for this? For anything? How do we know how strong we are until we're tested, and then what of it when we break into pieces? I almost feel that testing is pointless, an attempt to prove the weakness of all beings. I don't want to test this just to realize we're not strong enough, but I don't want to go on wondering if we could have made it. We think we're strong because of what we have been through so far, but what have we been through? We built off a particular incident, but can a relationship built from struggle and utter desperation continue to grow without that same struggle, or without more desperation? I'm tired of struggling and I'm tired of trying to figure out why. What is that I have done? What do I do to make everyone turn away? Why won't they look at me the same, once they really get to know me? Why can't we be comfortable enough with ourselves? Why must we always compare? There's always someone better, quicker, bigger, prettier, whatever. There's just always something, someone. Why are we never satisfied? Why must we always pretend to be okay, when we want to reach out. Why do we then hesitate when we reach to see if we will be caught...or fall. Reach for me when I reach for you. Please do not let me fall. I promise I will return the favor. Because everyone needs someone, a shoulder on which to cry.

Goodnight everyone.

Graduation Mixed Memories

Finally got that stupid speech done. Worst case of writers block I think I've ever come across. Nichole, Meredith, props to you two for finally getting the dang thing done. We're gonna rock that stage tomorrow night. Maybe not so much Nichole...Sorry you had to go first. Love.


Graduation (Friends Forever)

And so we talked all night about the rest of our lives
Where we're gonna be when we turn 25
I keep thinking times will never change
Keep on thinking things will always be the same
But when we leave this year we won't be coming back
No more hanging out cause we're on a different track
And if you got something that you need to say

You better say it right now cause you don't have another day
Cause we're moving on and we can't slow down
These memories are playing like a film without sound
And I keep thinking of that night in June
I didn't know much of love
But it came too soon and there was me and you
And then we got real blue
Stay at home talking on the telephone
We'd get so excited, we'd get so scared
Laughing at our selves thinking life's not fair

And this is how it feels
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be, friends forever

if we get the big jobs and we make the big money
When we look back now, will our jokes still be funny?
Will we still remember everything we learned in school?
Still be trying to break every single rule
Will little brainy bobby be the stockbroker man?
Can heather find a job that won't interfere with her tan?
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

And this is how it feels
As we go on, we remember
All the times we had together
And as our lives change, come whatever
We will still be, friends forever

we think about tomorrow like we think about now?
Can we survive it out there? can we make it somehow?
I guess I thought that this would never end
And suddenly it's like we're women and men
Will the past be a shadow that will follow us round?
Will these memories fade when I leave this town
I keep, I keep thinking that it's not goodbye
Keep on thinking it's a time to fly

There's a bit of graduation remorse for you. I really don't know how to feel about tomorrow. It's a big day, but right now for some reason theirs just a void in my emotions. It could be stress, it could be denial. I don't know. To all of my classmates that read this post:

I'm so sorry for the way I have treated you all. Up until the end of last year and this year I have done nothing but take you all for granted. In a hurry to grow up so fast I missed the great people who were right in front of me. Never again will I take you all for granted.

Tanner Barefield- Thank you for always making me smile even when you were annoying the CRAP out of me. Thank you for FRECK, and thank you for introducing me to Carlos. I will NEVER forget him.

Laura Charlton- Thank you for always being so freaking quiet. I know you rock the house on the inside. You and me playing basketball together (and then with Catherine), man we rocked the court. We were the best players on that dang team and we both know it. I'll miss your pretty pretty hair, and Tanner flicking you off.

Heather Grice- Thank you for always having a "Your Mama" joke in math class. Thanks for always being my competition in math, and for being the only other girl in there when Catherine abandoned us. Darn her. Don't think I could have made it through this year in there without you.

Wayne Grayson- Thank you for you. You have made this year, especially the past couple of weeks the best in my life. Thank you for going to Prom with me and making it the best night of my life. Thank you for always making me laugh and for being so incredible on stage and with your voice. Thank you for always being there for me.

Meredith Hall- Oh Meredith. Where do I start with you. I know you'll never live down your "Smart Girl" title, and rightly so. You're amazingly brilliant and I bet you probably never get tired of hearing it. You rightly deserve your title as Valedictorian. Thank you for always making me feel smart even in your presence. Thank you for remembering my small attempt at helping with yearbook. It meant a lot to me to be appreciated. Thanks for being a great friend. Good luck at Covenant.

Alyssa Hebert- Thanks Alyssa for your random self. I'll always remember you from soccer season when we both were managers. Those were some good times, twirling in the grass and talking about how popcorn probably fits better in your stomach cause they're like puzzle pieces. Then realizing that they get chewed up anyways, just like everything else. I know we haven't been as close this year, but good luck to you in the future and to your family. It's a great thing you and yours are doing and I'm proud to say I know such a special family.

Mary Emily Jones- Merm. Baby girl. Thank you sweetheart for everything. I know you're going with me to Alabama and everything, but I adore you. I'll never forget you coming into homeroom every morning with one sock on, but both shoes and half your shirt tucked in (or maybe just a corner). I always had fun with you, especially at your house watching Finding Nemo and almost dying in the puddle of death (Merm and Nichole, we made it through two wrecks together). I'll see you soon baby girl. Never stop smiling.

Robby Lisenby- Sweet sweet Robby. Thank you so much for just being your crazy crazy self. I have enjoyed you so much this year in math class, in the plays, in soccer, in everything you do, did. Thank you for being my first day buddy in Mrs. Snell's study hall on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Thanks for making me feel comfortable with you in the car driving to First Pres. to make the chili for the Silent Auction. You really were a great driver and your car doesn't smell like a girly car even if it does smell like cherries. Thank you Robby and good luck in Idaho. You will be greatly missed.

Morgan McDougle- Haha. Morgan. Another one where I just don't know where to start. Your drawings in Rhetoric entertained me so. I had fun hanging out with you on the cruise. I realize we probably weren't the closest of people in our class but do realize that I have always noticed you and thought you were really special. You make me laugh a lot, and I'm not talking about at you, but more with you. Keep your feet grounded, and good luck in where ever your life takes you.

Trent Owens- Trent, Trent, Trent. This list seems to be getting harder the farther down I go. I realize that we have been through a lot together, probably more bad than good. It's amazing to me that we're both still standing. You're right though, never again. It took too much. Thank you Trent for trying anyways. It takes a strong individual, and I guess that makes you one. Thank you for always being my friend, even through the bullcrap. Good luck with whatever you do and I hope you find happiness one day too.

Savanna Pilcher- Good memories. Most from this summer, just because that's when I finally got to know you really well. I'll never forget nearly burning down southside with my 5 pizza rolls that I tried to cook for 5 minutes...stupid me. I'll also never forget car pooling to Daleville, trying to figure out if you got fired or if you quit, trying to sneak you in to see Jeremy, all of it. I'm sorry I never got know you better before then. Thank you for being such a strong, sarcastic, funny person. I'll never forget you. Good luck with Jason and everything else you do.

Nichole Ross- Oh Cleopatra. My fellow Salutatorian. So many things to say to you. I don't know where to start. Happy responses might ensue, I'm not sure. I'm so glad I have you as a friend. I thank God for you every day and you might be the sole reason I ever bounced back from last year. I will never EVER forget you because there is no question mark next to our friends forever. Thank you for being there for me, thank you for being your smart self. You keep that blood sugar level balanced and I'll be seeing you soon. Love.

Katherine Roy- Oh Trixie. There are a million things to say to you as well. I'm so glad you and Phillip happened upon my vehicle tonight, or am I? You have been so great for me this past year. I have you to thank for pink and very very very little polka dots. I love you so much sweetheart. Beautiful, I just want you to know, you're my favorite girl. And I mean that will all my heart. I've never felt more stupid, more happy, and more smart when I'm around you. I love everything about you and I can't wait to let you and Nichole decorate me pinkly. I'll see you soon.

Nick Sinas- Oh Shamus. Don't you wish you knew what that meant. Don't you wish Nichole knew what that meant. Thank you for taking such good care of her. Thank you for being a man and approaching me about your guy's relationship. It meant a lot to me then, and it means a lot to me now. I had a lot of fun with you this year, right now I'm thinking of laser tag which wouldn't have been possible without you. (Nichole, how's your head? Darn that TV). Continue to take care of her, and we'll continue to be friends. Good luck at Auburn and I'll be seeing a lot of you soon. Thank you Nick...or is it Mystique? I'm so "Lucky".

Catherine Thosteson- Hey. I'm really hoping I spelled your name right now. Oh well, little I can do about it right now. Thank you for being you. I have some many memories from you, like in basketball, math class, and just in general. Thanks for abandoning me and Heather in math class this year, with Wayne and Robby we had to fend for ourselves...just kidding guys. Thank you for always smiling, and for putting Mr. Carlisle in his place. I don't think anyone stood up to him quite like you did, and I don't know if anyone could. You're a very strong girl and I hope you prosper in whatever you do. God bless you and keep you.

Some may have noticed that I didn't mention Eric or Phillip anywhere in the previous thank you's. That's because I want to thank you two separately. Both of you went through some messed up crap this year. I want both of you to know that we are behind you both 100%. You two have inadvertently made all of us grow so much, grow up so much. You have taught us all how to fight when we don't like how things are. Thank you both for that.

Eric Cannon- Thank you for everything previously mentioned. Thanks for letting me ride around with you in your Porche. It was fun, even though Wayne nearly flew out of the car. You have been a great friend to me, even when I had not, and I want to thank you for that. If you ever need anything. Don't hesitate to call me.

Phillip Martin- Thank you for everything previously mentioned as well. Thanks for taking me and Nichole with you and Katherine to your karate tournament. It was FLIPPIN AWESOME! Thank you Phillip for taking care of Katherine and I trust that you will continue to do so with the upmost care. She is special to me and I don't know what I would do if anything ever happened to her. Thank you for treating her like the Princess she is. I know I will see you soon and good luck where ever you go....I mean that. Thank you.

Ok, so is that everyone? I think so. I realize this is a REALLY long post but I just wanted all of you to know how much I cherish each and every one of you. I can't wait for our 10, 20, and 30 year reunions, which I don't know about ya'll but I vote we have them on a cruise with Joselito and Henry. Ok, so I will desist in my writing now to keep from droning on and on. Just know that I love you all, and I'm happy to be a part of the class of 2005. I'll see you all at practice and then at the biggest shindig of all. God bless all of you.

GRADUATION!

Grounded on the Holiday

The quiet hum soothed me
Lulled me in and out.
The inconsistent vibrations irritated my slumber.
I'm finally awoken by the moisture
Collecting in the corners of my mouth.
Quickly I move up
Away from the protection and safety.
Embarrassed...
You stirred, whispered meaningless comforts.

You fell, but I stayed.
Too proud to need your safety.
Eventually my absence on your chest awakens you.
But I stay where I am.

It's not you I promise.

It's just that...

It hurt...

Can I ever trust again?

Inconsistencies are what I can't handle.
It was him, but it was me.
I was condescending
I pushed
I prodded where I didn't belong.
We became isolated...was it my fault?
We moved too fast...was it only one-sided?
I was manipulative
But most of all, he didn't love me.

You touch me and it's all I can think of.
You're falling for me, am I what you want?
Thrown into this thing,
Chaotic emotions.
I don't know what's what.
But you...
Hi...

Wait...

I don't know who I am, what I want.
Neither did your last... look what she did.
...to you.

I could never...

Would never...

Would I?

Then your hand finds my knee
Settles the nervous tapping of my foot.
Calming...

I want to lead!
I want to follow!
I want to walk hand-in-hand!
I WANT AGAIN!...
So many things I want when it comes to you.
It all feels so right...

But if felt right before...no.
Not like this...
This is different.

He hurt me...don't hurt me again.
Please.

Every fiber of my being
Yells to me...HOLD ON!
DON'T LET GO!
It's unstable, it's insecure.

Shh...
Trust him.
This is right.

I'm so scared.
But now I'm falling...
Will you catch me?

Why Won't The Ones I Love Back The Side I Support? There Must Be A Flaw In The Construction.

Ugh, I read Will We Linger and Fallacious Preceptor to my mom and Danielle tonight. They both loved Will We Linger and said that I used symbolism really well in the poem. Danielle said that the only reason I can even do that is because of Mr. Smith, so I must pause here give credit where credit is due. Props to Mr. Smith for stirring in me the writer that God created me to be. That's the good news. When I got done reading Fallacious Preceptor to my dear mother and sister, they immediately tore it to pieces saying that I was illogical in my anger towards the ineptness of our teachers. Then they laid into me about how I, again, just have a bad attitude. It's conversations like this when I just want to scream at my family members and ask how on earth I can be related to and loyal to people like them, and not act an ounce like them. I don't understand why it is so entirely hard for them to understand my side of things, and to back me, I'm their own flesh and blood. But no, they leave me for the turkey vultures to eat. Those stupid birds don't even care who sees them tear the flesh off of the rotten dead. Alabama, I am awaiting your commencement like nothing else in my life. Until I am with you, adieu.

Fallacious Preceptor

I can't stand you
Your bitter ways that say
"I don't care what you want"
Yet your ways press on me like an iron
Scalding my skin
But eventually the pain is numbed
The skin no longer feeling.
Your imprint is still there
Though i cannot feel it
The smoothness of years
Inconsistent with the holes of foolishness.
It spews out with the press of a button
Hot like your anger
But what can a wrinkled sheet do?
Besides become flattened by resounding pressure?
Don't worry
The wrinkles always come back
They always need smoothing.
Is that your intention?
Like rocks we become
Silent but smooth
At least in your eyes.
But brimming just beneath
Just beneath that calm surface
The rough layer lies
Like a duck on the water
Kicking...
Just waiting for the chance to fly away.
Was this always the point?
To silence the mind
You spent 12 years making?
Taught to speak, but told to listen.
Taught to argue, but never given the chance.
Taught to write, but given no paper.
Did you mean to create such ability
Only to cut off all outlets?
Examine your foundation
I think you've lost your vision.

Tan Lines Are Of The Devil

Just got back from the lake. I got burned. I have massive tan lines. Lake Martin....what have you done to me?