The Man on the Moon

The moon is half covered tonight
And still, its cover is only doing half the work.
So let's start with the problem.
I am everything like the moon.
Lost.
Thrown amid the black of nothingness.
An area you would call space
But is it really a place to grow?
Sure there are plenty of small glitters,
Ideas you would think would cast some light.
But I guess they're nothing more than a twinkle.
Even my greatest potential of illumination
Is half covered by a little wispy cloud.
(Is the glass half empty? Or half full?)
But my confidence is shot, to tried to make a stand.
Hung and left for dead
On the pedestal that was once my foundation.
(How did it grow so tall?)
Where did I go wrong?
Let's look at the audience.
First is my own family.
My God, I don't want to leave you.
I am the baby.
I've never been the first to do ANYTHING!
And yet here I am.
They gave me a pebble and told me to pave the way.
Pave the way to my 10 x 10 of the rest of my life.
Do they realize how big this is?
100 square feet to build the rest of myself.
Are they kidding?
Why don't you see a problem with this?
Protect me, I am still (your) young.
I don't want to be alone.
I still need you.
Why don't you need me?
Why don't you want me here?
Why does it feel like I'm being thrust
Into the open of every imaginable shot
Aimed at my own insecurities?
How could you do this to me?
...because I asked.
And it's too late for that.
My next best bet would be my roomies.
Do either of you realize how scared I am of you?
I could easily become the source of envy
For either of you two.
And my God, I don't want to be.
Constantly thinking about it.
And I know you are too.
Or will be.
I'm trying to be sensitive.
I will try too.
And do so.
I realize that you will both need me.
As I will need you.
I pray to God that I can be everything you need.
Please don't be afraid.
Don't hold grudges and think
That I don't understand.
I try to. I will try to understand.
Don't shut me out.
Please...
I didn't ask for this.
...but neither did you.
And I will be here.
Whether you choose to see me or not.
I'm too worried about you two
To even give the actual worry
About our purpose there a second thought.
But maybe I should start.
Too much on my place.
Nobody needs a second helping though
So it looks like I'm stuck with the extra load.
Last but not least of my problems is
You.
I take you for granted.
I realize.
But don't think it's intentional
Without reason.
You are my only security.
The one who I can ask to be.
And I know will be there.
I don't know how often.
Or when. Or why.
But please baby. I need you.
I can't do this anymore.
I can't open up. I can't cry.
(Why does everyone want to see my weaknesses?)
When they come around it hits me.
That "weird" feeling.
Well this is it. Every bit of it.
Do you like what you see?
Take it out on me.
I look blank to you?
I AM BLANK!
Being blank is the only way I can function.
If my facade breaks
Then what do I have?
I have to be the strong one.
I have what they don't.
Or do I?
What happens when you get tired?
Will you leave?
A lot of pressure I know.
But take your time, breathe.
Anyone doubt why I'm lost?
How I don't know me from me?
Crawling around in the dark.
Cloudy as anything I've ever seen.
No illumination can be given.
Why?
There is none to give.
Only empty "space" and never-ending darkness.
No?
You're right. It's only 2:00 A.M.
But that sun of tomorrow is looking mighty bright.
I just need to find my Daylight.

Letters

February 19, 2005

Hello. It's me again. I know I'm not bothering you, since you never actually hear me speak. And yet it does bother you, because I won't let you in, I won't "cheer up". You are in your dream now, you were nervous before, as I bet you are still nervous. It's odd to me how relieving this can be to write out my frustrations, and yet it's frustrating to not be able to tell you. I hate this, I really do. I believe it would scare you, if I were to give you even one of these letters. Beware, they are overly emotional, to try and balance myself out. Too much negative is unhealthy. We spoke earlier and you asked if I was angry at something. I am, and I tried to explain, but I don't think I gave you a proper answer. I don't feel needed much by anyone besides you, and now not so much you. My presence is never requested by anyone besides you, which makes me feel unwanted, just slightly. If you think back, you will realize that you are the plug into the social pipeline of my life. I was never brave enough to step out there on my own. There was also never anyone else who attempted to be my plug. Last night I was angry at both myself and others; myself for not being brave enough to ask for myself and others both for not telling and the possibility of not wanting to tell me. Lately I have had feelings of being out of place unless your presence was there to guide me, like the other half of a puzzle. Now you are off with your dream and I have no where to go. No puzzle fits me; my piece fits in no puzzle. What do I do? What is my purpose? It's amazing how with one accurately placed blow, your dream knocked out my whole foundation. Do you realize how hard it is to stand without any foundation? You're off with you dream, the other off with hers, and others off with their parents. I can't even be with them, it's just too awkward. I have never wanted to cry so badly, and yet could summon no tears. I fear how I feel inside. I fear how I feel about you. I fear how I feel about your dream. I fear my lack of communication with the outside world. I fear the emptiness that has found it's place to settle is in my chest. Where I should feel my heart beating there is only vacant space and silence. I want to scream out. Scream out for the hope that is dead within me. Scream out for the future looming ahead in which nothing is secure. Scream out for the fear which seems to envelope every fiber of my being. Help me...All I want is an answer. All I want is a way out of this. I need you. Where are you? Until you return, adieu.

What I Meant To Say...

I wanted to tell you how I feel. But sometimes, I just can't find the words.

Then it hit me. There aren't any words. However that doesn't help my situation. Even if I can't find the words, I still want to show you.

I want to tell you how I feel, but I can't. Instead, the feeling just rests inside me. Growing more and more every day. It threatens me, us. I realize that the only way for me to show you, would be if I were to burst.

Then I would just be in pieces. I wouldn't be much good to you, but at least this feeling would be off my chest, and finally I would have some peace.

Butterfly

I watch her as she runs
Gangly and un-natural.
"Look! A butterfly!"
She asks for a jar
One with a lid...
No, it's unattainable.
Around and around
She chases it.
Never pausing,
Always reaching,
The thin air never fills her grasp.
(no substance)
It's my job to protect her...
Show her the way...
It's just a...
"Butterfly!"
She's running,
By the pool,
She doesn't see the rise.
The crack in the cement.
Her foot catches it.
One quick pace forward is all I can manage.
(no endurance)
Then I see her face
The look that crosses.
And I know she realizes.
I pick her up,
Hold her in my arms.
Salty spots
Form on my shoulder as I rock her.
She realizes...
"Butterfly..."

On Probation

Hey Everybody.

I realize I have not posted anything in a really really long time. And I realize that the last thing that I did post on here wasn't even of my own writing. I don't know what's wrong with me... honestly.

Today, well now it was yesterday since it is 1:00 a.m., was my birthday and Katherine's as well for all of you who didn't know that we share the same birthday. Happy Birthday to you Katherine.

This birthday, as I turned eighteen and entered adulthood was no different then any other day of my life, besides the fact that it has been the best so far and will be followed up by a great weekend with my friends, and then dinner with my Daddy on Father's Day.

What I mean though, about it being no different than any other day was that I felt no different. There was no great wisdom that suddenly hit me, no feeling that finally I had grown into the shoes that would "one day fit". Today was that day, and I missed it by a mile. I'm no more grown than the day I was two. I'm no more mature then the day I turned six. I still laugh at juvenile things, get a kick out of other peoples pain. I still get the urge to play in the mud, and drive around endlessly, even if it is a waste of gas.

I had the pleasure today of spending the majority of the day with my sister Danielle at the mall shopping for clothes. (Yes, I bought clothes out the WAZOO!) ((I have no idea how to spell wazoo)) Anywho, today while I was with my sister, it suddenly dawned on me exactly how much alike we are. Granted, I realized before that we had some meaningful connection that you couldn't mistake for anything other than a genetic bond, but I have never noticed how much of one person we are. We like the same things, we do the same things, we say the same things, we say the same things the same way. We laugh the same, we have the same sense of humor, we both crave bad things to eat like Taco Bell, we have the same mannerisms, we have the same manners. If we were to run over an animal (or hit a flying one) I know that our reaction would be the same. To scream bloody murder, then curse the animal, then cry because of the possible lose of life. Our boyfriends even smell the same.

While noticing exactly how much like my sister I was today, I also realized something very special and dear to me. I love her. With all my heart I love my sister. I would like nothing more than to follow her footsteps and become the same exact person that she is. To some, my sister may come off as bossy and mean. She's come off that way to me a good majority of my life. But she's not. She's strong, controlled, smart, incredibly funny. She's beautiful in every way imaginable, especially the way she looks like a chinese person when she smiles. Her laugh will silence a room, and her giggles can be heard a mile a way. It is an honor to call her my sister, especially when good sisters are hard to find. She will never be replaced and I want her to know how special she is to me and where she stands in my life.

Danielle, I love you. With all my heart, I love you. You have constantly been there for me, especially when you didn't want to be. (And don't tell me you didn't have any choice.) I look up to you, I've followed you since the day I was born, and have respected you since the day I stole your toys, no nevermind it was the day you hit me over the head with my plastic guitar. Know that I will support you in anything you do, and I appreciate you every second of the day. I am your "Bama Baby'' always and forever.



That wasn't much of a post to all my other reader's but hopefully on the way up to the lake I can get some writing in and finally find some good inspiration. See you all when I return!!


Goodnight.

A Little Chicken Soup For The Soul Anyone??

Gray

When I was child
I saw in black and white.
Everything was obvious
Either wrong or right.
No arguments, no pros and cons
Choices were precise.
Pure and joyous clarity
Gave me a simple life.
So I grew and learned to face the world
Living life that way.
And now I feel so unprepared
'Cause black and white turned gray.
My unfaltering vision failed
Focus left my eyes.
Where choices were once obvious
I can't tell wrong from right.
Because today I am a teenager
And nothing's quite so clear.
For I'm seeing through an adult's eyes
A child's biggest fear.

-Constance Ananta Sobsey

Distance Rakes the Heart...Grow Fonder?

Where are you?
(Well I guess I should have been around...)

I don't understand your purpose.
(To sing you to sleep...)

But I can't do this without you.
(You look so beautiful...)

I need you now more than ever.
(It hurts me slightly...)

I swore I'd never hurt you.
(I love you with all my heart...)

But is that enough?
(Trust me and we'll fall together...)

Where shall we fall?
(Into the blissful void of morning...)

What when the morning passes?
(Criticizing the afternoon...)

What has it done?
(For its dull nature...)

I'm so scared. Lost inside.
(Most important, Trust God...)

I trust no one.
(Thats what brought me you...)

I trust no one.
(This is no mistake...)

How do I know?
(WE ARE NO MISTAKE...)

How do I trust? How do I go on?
(He will be our foundation...)

As long as you're my fortress.
(And our glue...)

But for how long?
(As our environment screams to tear us apart...)

I'll never let it happen.
(I love you...)

I'll lie in you forever...
(Sleep softly my love...)